Reflecting Sideways.

I found it hard to be creative when it called for me to be... I don't if that was me being rebellious subconsciously or what? But I wish I had more time to be creative and honestly I wish I could retake this class with more experience of my major under my belt... ((will elaborate more)). And my creativity well consists of quite a few things.. but mostly the color green and engery from my surroundings ((will also elaborate more)).

Last class

Last class was pretty touching. It was brought to my attention that I'm not the only one going through I creativity rut type of thing right now.

why in the fuck am I here?????

This is a question that I seem to like to think I know the answer to no matter what "here" is. I want to succeed... I want to be at peace.. I'm here now trying to get assignments out the way because it's a somewhat annoying process I gotta go through to get where I want to be... I'm here because it feels right. I'm here because I'm highly needed.. I refuse to go unless taken the fuck out... I'm here to create, to bring peace, to instill some type of moral code, to take in knowledge and regurgitate whatever the fuck however the fuck I interpreted it. I'm here because I have the will to be. And what is "here" exactly? Well "here" is quite a few things.

Fear recap no. 2

Sadly enough I couldn't make it to class. I really wanted to present my project as well, but enty who... So went through a couple of blogs to see what some people did. I was extremely attracted to this one Stephanie chick's blog because of the font and the colors then I saw what her fears were. Restaurants and pillows? Not expected.

I believe I really liked that one dude's fear about being old. I didn't really expect that from him. I can't really relate because I don't mind becoming old so long as I don't lose my mind. After listening to his presentation I was just thinking to myself... what can I do to prevent from becoming old mentally and physically.. and I decided to start taking care of myself.

Fear Recap

Last class was pretty cool, pretty interesting. I ate a cricket... and one girl said that bugs gave her heart burn. I don't know if she was jokin or not, but I definitely ended up getting a hint of heart burn after I ate that chocolate covered cricket. '_'

But enty who, I really enjoyed Jayson Fuckit's fear project. He had the balls to open up his blog to fellow classmates. At first it didn't seem as if anybody was gonna participate, but eventually people started shootin up there. I even went up their a couple of times. I believe his blog helped some people step outside their shells and write some creative shit on the spot in front of the whole class.

Honestly, overall, I enjoyed everybodys' projects because I learned something new about everybody who presented.. I thought it was pretty interesting to see that people became more talkative amongst themselves when a uncomfortable subject was brought up. xD

Fear %Love

Aaah.. Fear... and what not...

You know what... It has been said that the opposite of love is not hatred, but fear... And hatred? Well that's just a sub-emotion of fear.

When I heard that, some years back, I used to battle it. When I battled it I was pretty angry and trying to find loopholes through that statement because I hated my father. I was at the point in my life where I would be damned if I let somebody call my hatred for him fear.. And then the more I stopped being as angry the more I analyzed that statement with deep thought when it would appear in my mind every blue moon.. I realize that I wasn't afraid of him, I was more so afraid of his actions and how I would react should he ever try to control me. It makes sense to me now...

We humans tend to fear the unknown... And once we gather some type of idea of the "unknown" we hate it because we don't understand it. Whether that fear lies in the lack of knowledge of the target's unknown capability, or in what one might do if affected by that target, depends on the person who's dishin out the hatred... or should I say "who's gathering up the fear"? ... Hatred to me is now a sub-emotion of fear. I hated my father because he was an ignorant authoritarian; and because he was an ignorant authoritarian, I feared for my life in my own hands and eventually his life in my hands as well.
((Note to self: reassure the people that you didn't take his ass out)).

I'm glad to say that my hatred for him has dissipated.. It is no more; but I am sad to say that it sucks to know that I am capable of such hatred towards another undeserving being.

My fears on this earth are very few.. And even the very few that I have, boil down to one single fear..

When people see my project... I honestly don't know what to expect. Looking at it I almost don't want to present. xD

Fear Responses
So I thought it would be interesting to hear peoples' guesses of my biggest fear after I read this blog to them. Some of the guesses were pretty hilarious which I could definitely dig, but one person came really close. She guessed anger... and after she guessed that I just had to show the picture. I fear myself. I honestly do, but is it because of just my anger or is it because of ANY negative feeling or action/reaction that I inflict on myself?

Her guess really left me wondering... This is honestly something that I'm going to have to really analyze so I can work on my problems and come closer to peace and tranquillity. Peace within and around is what I desire the most. I love it, but sadly enough, things around me aren't quite ready for peace. At the same time that feeds the anger within. I really have to work on not letting such things get to me. I don't want to become desensitized or anything... I just want to have more of a tolerance... Tolerance and desensitization... are they the same?

Bliss Away a Moment's Time

((KcoRnfpholio <3))

When I read this assignment for the first time, I had to read it over like ten times for ten damn minutes. I took a break and came back to it and realized not only did I have to take some time away from this crazy ass schedule of mine to create something awesome out of a blissful moment, I had to do the dirty deed with a stuffed animal that was given out during class. Well I missed class but it was cool cause I have plenty of stuffed animals that I love and treasure. And I'm gonna be honest, at first, this assignment pissed me the fuck off. It only reminded me that even if I wasn't doin anything and just "relaxing" I couldn't relax! I was constantly thinkin about what had to be done! Dx

After a week of bull that I think I just suppressed at this moment, I was ready for this assignment... All up to that Monday I wasn't able to get any sleep. I guess I was stressin over shit and I'm still stressin over the fact that my usb may be gone forever. But I dunno, the whole creativity shit I aint feelin it. It's like when I lose something that is very precious to me like my stories I feel as if a part of me is lost forever.

((we sleepin and thangs))

So anyway I didn't get much sleep and my allergies were beatin my ass so I said "Fuck it. For the three hours that I have in between my damn classes I'm gonna take my beloved KcoRnfpholio to school with my purple blanky, find a nice place and sleep." Aaah, KcoRnfpholio, how he eases my damn soul. He brings a warm feeling to my heart and he shows that even a tough guy like me can have a soft spot. I've had him for years and he's been through some shit, but I replaced his eyes and he's still holdin on strong. I still have to sew his head back together though..

Anyway, sleep is my only release it seems these days. And real shit, it's not even a release cause what I think about follows me to my dreams. Funny. So that's what I did. Instead of going to the library like I had planned, I somehow ended up in room 255... During one of Matt Power's damn classes.. shockingly I still managed to go to sleep.. I just picked a lovely little dark spot underneath the computers, popped in a cough drop and went to sleep. My friend Blake kicked me in the ass a couple of times but hey it could have been worse, could have been the balls... and I'm pretty sure my friend T took pics.. -_- I'm not quite sure though... as she only sent me one.... .... ....... ... It was a nice moment of bliss before I had to return back to my hellish reality.

Either way it goes, I hope shit gets better and I still have some type of hope that I'll find my shit.  On a brighter note.. Ludwick is the shit. Very inspiring. Can't wait to get started on my capstone.