Fear %Love

Aaah.. Fear... and what not...

You know what... It has been said that the opposite of love is not hatred, but fear... And hatred? Well that's just a sub-emotion of fear.

When I heard that, some years back, I used to battle it. When I battled it I was pretty angry and trying to find loopholes through that statement because I hated my father. I was at the point in my life where I would be damned if I let somebody call my hatred for him fear.. And then the more I stopped being as angry the more I analyzed that statement with deep thought when it would appear in my mind every blue moon.. I realize that I wasn't afraid of him, I was more so afraid of his actions and how I would react should he ever try to control me. It makes sense to me now...

We humans tend to fear the unknown... And once we gather some type of idea of the "unknown" we hate it because we don't understand it. Whether that fear lies in the lack of knowledge of the target's unknown capability, or in what one might do if affected by that target, depends on the person who's dishin out the hatred... or should I say "who's gathering up the fear"? ... Hatred to me is now a sub-emotion of fear. I hated my father because he was an ignorant authoritarian; and because he was an ignorant authoritarian, I feared for my life in my own hands and eventually his life in my hands as well.
((Note to self: reassure the people that you didn't take his ass out)).

I'm glad to say that my hatred for him has dissipated.. It is no more; but I am sad to say that it sucks to know that I am capable of such hatred towards another undeserving being.

My fears on this earth are very few.. And even the very few that I have, boil down to one single fear..

When people see my project... I honestly don't know what to expect. Looking at it I almost don't want to present. xD

Fear Responses
So I thought it would be interesting to hear peoples' guesses of my biggest fear after I read this blog to them. Some of the guesses were pretty hilarious which I could definitely dig, but one person came really close. She guessed anger... and after she guessed that I just had to show the picture. I fear myself. I honestly do, but is it because of just my anger or is it because of ANY negative feeling or action/reaction that I inflict on myself?

Her guess really left me wondering... This is honestly something that I'm going to have to really analyze so I can work on my problems and come closer to peace and tranquillity. Peace within and around is what I desire the most. I love it, but sadly enough, things around me aren't quite ready for peace. At the same time that feeds the anger within. I really have to work on not letting such things get to me. I don't want to become desensitized or anything... I just want to have more of a tolerance... Tolerance and desensitization... are they the same?

Bliss Away a Moment's Time

((KcoRnfpholio <3))

When I read this assignment for the first time, I had to read it over like ten times for ten damn minutes. I took a break and came back to it and realized not only did I have to take some time away from this crazy ass schedule of mine to create something awesome out of a blissful moment, I had to do the dirty deed with a stuffed animal that was given out during class. Well I missed class but it was cool cause I have plenty of stuffed animals that I love and treasure. And I'm gonna be honest, at first, this assignment pissed me the fuck off. It only reminded me that even if I wasn't doin anything and just "relaxing" I couldn't relax! I was constantly thinkin about what had to be done! Dx

After a week of bull that I think I just suppressed at this moment, I was ready for this assignment... All up to that Monday I wasn't able to get any sleep. I guess I was stressin over shit and I'm still stressin over the fact that my usb may be gone forever. But I dunno, the whole creativity shit I aint feelin it. It's like when I lose something that is very precious to me like my stories I feel as if a part of me is lost forever.

((we sleepin and thangs))

So anyway I didn't get much sleep and my allergies were beatin my ass so I said "Fuck it. For the three hours that I have in between my damn classes I'm gonna take my beloved KcoRnfpholio to school with my purple blanky, find a nice place and sleep." Aaah, KcoRnfpholio, how he eases my damn soul. He brings a warm feeling to my heart and he shows that even a tough guy like me can have a soft spot. I've had him for years and he's been through some shit, but I replaced his eyes and he's still holdin on strong. I still have to sew his head back together though..

Anyway, sleep is my only release it seems these days. And real shit, it's not even a release cause what I think about follows me to my dreams. Funny. So that's what I did. Instead of going to the library like I had planned, I somehow ended up in room 255... During one of Matt Power's damn classes.. shockingly I still managed to go to sleep.. I just picked a lovely little dark spot underneath the computers, popped in a cough drop and went to sleep. My friend Blake kicked me in the ass a couple of times but hey it could have been worse, could have been the balls... and I'm pretty sure my friend T took pics.. -_- I'm not quite sure though... as she only sent me one.... .... ....... ... It was a nice moment of bliss before I had to return back to my hellish reality.

Either way it goes, I hope shit gets better and I still have some type of hope that I'll find my shit.  On a brighter note.. Ludwick is the shit. Very inspiring. Can't wait to get started on my capstone.

Class field trip

The part that I liked about the field trip was definitely the 3D room. Like that shit was live. It didn't make me want to become a master at 3-D but it definitely made me happy to see how far we've come. Hell I bet we've taken it further than that.

Inspiration ((steps? in between))-->Product

So I'm lookin at this drawing that I must have done during class and it pretty much explains the steps in which I think I take to get from inpiration to that shit that'll blow yo moufuckin mind aka the product.. Shit does this sentence even make sense??? -re-reads- Yeah. it does. But enty who. According to the picture, xD, I believe that my inspiration is the base. I really could kinda relate to the idea of realting the "equation" to conception.. But for some reaon when I think of an equation I think of something so lock-step and less organic. I believe refining and trials happen all throughout carrying out a concept and molding it into a project.

Which brings me to my next thingymabobber.

I created a galaxy in photoshop not too long ago and in the finish product I really wanted to incorporate some type of animation. I'm happy we were given two weeks. My inpsiration to creat the galaxy came from a tutorial I looked at during one of Beth's classes. I'm happy I was able to learn some animation in Ludwick's class. But enty who the pictures speak for themselves. Also its not the best flash file but it's okay for a begining animator. xD And it is not the final product.

(Sic) Days and the Placebo Effect

So I wanted to find a rule to break in my field of study.... when I read that we were supposed to be doin that instead of just breakin any old rule... Then I thought, "What rules period can I break without getting arrested?" and I came up with none... So then I decided ((upon getting sick with a cold)) that if I can't think of any rules to break... I can think of some codes of honor of mine that I could break.

Also Beth told me to do something with the leg that she gave me… I decided not to incorporate it in this project… but in a sense I guess I did.. because I broke her rule ((HACHA!)). I only did this because when that leg came into my possession, it became a personal goal to me to just unleash my world onto it, and with the pressure of having it “assigned” to me, I would have been more focused on impressing the thought of the project and trying to be creative than not focusing and just letting things flow. That said, Chlamydia will get her leg back ASAP this week. xD

But enty who, a few fields that I want to go into is tattooing, storytelling with graphic novels, and 2-D digital storytelling. When a client tells you what they want and you both have an agreed date to get work done you can’t just not work on the design because you feel pressured to do so. Being pressured to do so could possibly make you create something magnificent or it could very well destroy you, but in this field, you have to be able to work under the pressure of the client to get things done. By me not doing this leg when I indirectly agreed with Chlamydia that I would have this shit done by next Monday, I breached my contract with her and I could not produce a wonderful design for her when it came down to doing so. What I got out of breaking this rule? I guess more time to perfect what I did on her… other than that, this rule in my fields of study should not be broken without renegotiation.  

So yeah, I became sick with a cold after  Monday and I was just thinking about what I could do with that. It's a common code of courtesy to me to not get anybody sick on purpose cause that's just fucked up, but I have this friend who just automatically starts "getting sick" when he catches wind that I'm sick. -__- ((he has his reasons I guess. xD )) And I always tell him, "Look! It's in your damn head. I'm not even fuckin contagious right now! Dx " and he just sniffles and sniffles.. The shit is ridiculous honestly... so I got sick and I didn't tell him I was... and we made out... for many days straight ((with breaks in between of course))... And I observed him over the weekend and yeah he never got sick.

Was this a sick and twisted thing to do? Sure… Did I get anything out of this? Sure… What I got out of breaking this common code of courtesy was the satisfaction of proving to myself that it was in his damn head. When I get sick, I don’t normally spread it to others; even if I come into contact with the public. But yeah I strongly believe that the placebo effect can really have a strong influence on my friend's physical being...or what he doesn't know wont kill him.. something like that.

seeing[1]How I want to.docx

My Mind is ((at this given time))

Something that looks like a shoe mark on the ceiling

The inside of my eyelid

Is a doorway to a prelude of many things to come..

I,

Look at myself in the mirror

Eyes staring back at me. I only see my soul, and I ask, “what can look better than this?” And I’m done.

Outer appearances sometimes, to me, are so meaningless in their demeanor

Dive into the deeper darker depths of someone’s mind to find

A higher form of light

The deeper we dwell, maybe the stranger

But the shallow world can be so lacking to me and as dull as a Green lid on blue recycle container           

Depending on who’s writing it and who perceives, the second subject in the above sentence can prove to be a better story.

"Join the faculty coalition"

You don’t want me to do that.

A nick on my cell phone case

Doesn’t matter, I still have a use for it; but in all honestly something more important than material… where’s it at?

Blah blah blah.. losing face, losing ground, I wonder as I wander all the time

I’ve been roaming across this vast land I call my mind for goin on 20 years and I still haven’t reached the end of the line?

Line? Ha I only said that shit to bust a rhyme.. My mind

Is an explosion that branches out like a non-linear narrative

If I speak it and you get hurt, don’t worry, I know how to take care of it.

If you take A Set of footprints that look like a dog footprint then take a slightly different concept and a give it a twist…?

What in the fuck do you get?

Shit… I have no clue, but when I put more than 1 second of THOUGHT(S) into it

I’ll get back to you.

That is…

If you’re still here...

A social security number... is to my identity as cumber is to cumber-

-some extra shit that I didn’t ask for… Numerology it makes sense

Cause the world is made of it.    

Archway at Herron <--- been there done that, wham bam thank ya ma’am, you couldn’t give me shit

Made my way to Informatics where I’m ten times the happy. And for real, this feeling is legit.

White label with the name Carrie Johnson

Who in the hell is that? Anyway, hope she has a good day

And that’s all I can really give as feedback…. That’s all that I can say.

Green steno notebook in janitors cart w/page that says "268 clean 274 dusted"

A job well done, never taken for granted, by me anyway… But some people are just plain inconsiderate, clean on the outside, but their internals are sick twisted and BUSTED.

But that doesn’t matter cause once again… “268 clean  274 dusted”

Some of the greater lessons learned in life

 are that Mysterious light

coming from a rectangle where you can’t see the light source

But once you follow it, you don’t care where it’s coming from, you just know you’re on the right course.

One religious person’s respect for a different religion… Think about it.

Spacebar, spacebar… there’s nothing much to write here.

Escape to a higher place of reattribute, the blankness of the page can be a loaded mind’s biggest fear

Biggest fear? What is yours? Why and how come you can’t conquer it?

My mind just rambles on and on, the longer I sit

And because of what I see goin on in society..

If I think too much—but mostly say enough—I can come off as someone with a remarkable case of anger and a hint of anxiety.

“SMH” SO MUCH HATE…tred…

Red, red, the color so powerful so flourishing, so nourishing with….

 Life..

Life lived so shortly right after it is hit with oxygen.

It dries out… it dies out… Becoming as brown as the earth in which it returns to.

What’s white is white, what’s black is black.. but in all honesty.. black is blue.

So what in the fuck does that mean to you? To me it means little to nothing

Only that we are so bent on outer appearances of the skin.

In the words of the great Erykah Badu, I am first a spiritual being

Only seeing my reflection in the vending machine

Some would say that the deepest things are adjacent to the meaningless

As meaningless as someone informing another that

There is a 25cent sticker on coke machines that tells you it includes tax

Yeah facts are facts

But do I really give a shit?

…Yeah maybe a little, who’s to ever really know?

Why is the hardest question to answer; some answers come quickly some questions die slow.

Rear entryway of IT looks like the Targus

Ha haaa, Targus? Or Tragus? Either way it goes, mi reality su reality… if it you want it.

My boyfriend proposing

Or girlfriend, whichever comes first

I can’t see people in genders… I think that type of vision is the worst.

Hence why I Went to the bathroom and saw my penis

I walk further and further into my mind and to my surprise… or my demise… I see

2 lockers side-by-side with the word flute on them… Really, now, what does this mean?

 I stare at the display before me, thinking about its story

 ((See “Travel into the Depths of My Mind” for some type of meaning

Whatever it is that you find, I warn you that there may be some shit in need of some serious non-serious deep throat cleaning.))

I shrug it off…I keep going, cause things happen for a reason.

And clothes aren’t the only things that change with the seasons.

Peoples’ attitudes, towards one another, change.

And what seemed so genuine, at first, now seems so fake and strange.

Speaking of strange

If my friend was named Jenny, and he was a she with a car then I guess..

I could say no one has seen My friend Jenny driving her car, it would be the end of the world, and we would skip the rest.

THE REST BEING:

1.       A pokey walker

2.       A man with a rolling luggage case leaving the bathroom w/out washing his hands

3.       A neon green backpack

4.       Something about Dr. King or racial equality

5.       A Cheezit bag in the trashcan

6.       A red truck in the parking lot with a burned out headlight

Any who… I bypass all that random shit that was etched and burned into my mind’s eye and exit this colorful black and white document that has ran well out of time…

3 trashcans lined up about 5 feet from each other

((Translation: The End))

Glasscocks, and Johsons, and Richard ((Dick)) lillies.. OH MY!

Yeah last class was alright. I would have enjoyed it more, but honestly I just wasn't feelin that whole week. The only break I had was the one that I got in my unofficial class "Game On!" with Matt Powers. Shit I still attempted to work on some homework, but yeah... it was still a nice break nonetheless.
Which brings me to the next topic of discussion. Rules and shit.
This semester I'm taking 20 credit hours. I dont know.. for some reason, in spring semester, I'm ready to just work and kick a lot of ass ((fall semester is the other way around)). But yea I wanted to take "Game On!" this semester and when I went to go sign up for it, a message popped up sayin I had reached the maximum number of credit hours that could be takin this semester. The shit slightly pisses me off... It infuriated me in the beginning; but I've digressed.
-sigh- If that damn rule would have never existed ((cause clearly I need some shit to tell me how many classes I can handle a semester)) I would be in that class officially. lmao. On the bright side, Matt is giving out achievements! Yanno, like trophies that gamers earn on PS3 and I'm goin for the "Perfect Attendance for a Class You're Not Even Enrolled in" achievement. So I get to get a kick out of that I guess. And trust... the system is the only reason why I cannot find a loophole and get into that class. xD 
But enty who.. til next time, O.V. and O.T.